Acceptance ≠ Agreement

This simple truth seems to go woefully misunderstood, or rather ignored and sparks quite a bit of controversy and hurt. If people would meditate on it for a few minutes and let that truth soak into their grey matter, I think we could avoid quite a many arguments and scars. And this goes wrong in two directions. First people will take a disagreement and “accept” the other side’s view in a relativistic way - I’m okay, you’re okay, it’s no big deal. Well, some things are a big deal, and if you are taking this route it is really a cop-out because you are denying convictions you hold (I guess if you do this they maybe weren’t true convictions to begin with). You are scared to make a stand thinking that if you do you will run the other person off, so you take this sell out approach thinking you are just being a peacemaker when really you are acquiescing to the other side’s view without even knowing it. The second way that people go wrong here is by being harsh and trying to impose their views on someone else. Because they refuse to bend on their convictions (which they shouldn’t in most cases) they feel the only way they can stand firm is to force the other person to agree with them. Herein lies the rub - can people really agree to disagree and remain close? I think it depends on the controversy many times, but more than that and I think fundamentally it depends on whether both people can understand that accepting one anther as they are - warts, differing views and all - does not mean that they have to merge their views and agree on everything. This is hard though, because we are human and we all want to be right and don’t think that more than one person can be right if those views differ. Hmmmm, mull that one over for a bit. I think it can be done, it just requires folks actually being intentional in their relationships, considerate of one another, and willing to endure some tension. The older I get I believe that life is full of struggling to find a comfortable place amid the tension we must live in, in all areas of life. Hard as we try, we will not be able to rid ourselves of most of it, therefore we must find a way to live happily in it, lest we let it swallow us whole.

Eye of the Tiger - funny story

I attended a college with a tiger as a mascot (and an Eagle, but that is a different story altogether and sparks way too long discussions of a circular topic - but I digress). My senior year I took a job as a hostess for the skyboxes during football season. On homecoming that year (2000) Survivor played a mini concert before the game (being as “Eye of the Tiger” was played at almost every sporting event that was held, and always at football games). Now I must introduce you to Carter. He was the older man (70s at least at that time) who worked guarded the gate entrance that housed the elevators to the skyboxes. He was a tough dude, very stoic to say the least. Well, I got assigned to that gate at the beginning of the season and was bound and determined to make that man my friend - I succeeded (after I graduated I returned for a game and he let me in sans ticket with a wink - trust me, this is a BIG deal!). Back to homecoming... I was upstairs when I heard over the radio that there was a problem with the band at the elevators. I had my suspicions so I went down, and I was right. They had no skybox passes, so per Carter, they weren’t getting in. Oh me! I went up to Carter and told him it was okay, they were with me. That was the end of the discussion - he said, “okay” and I brought them up via the service elevator. I got Survivor through the gate! I will say, that was one of the highlights of my college career. I have a photo with them somewhere in the recesses of a box - sadly this was before digital cameras so I have no idea where it is. Anyways, there is my funny story. So when I hear Eye of the Tiger, I of course sing at the top of my lungs, want to go kick ass at something, and picture Sylvester Stalone, but this memory also works its way in too.

Encourage people - you never know what may ensue

One of the reasons I quit watching American Idol is because I really don’t like to watch people being talked down to, made fun of, and humiliated on national television. (Now I know some people are trying to be characters and are vying for that negative attention, this is not what I am talking about.) This is one of the reasons I have thoroughly enjoyed watching The Voice. Even the people who aren’t that great were sent away with compliments and encouragements to continue pursuing their dream and keep improving. This, people, is how we need to treat one another. Can we just insert the “Golden Rule” a bit more often? I have a friend who offered to come take my children while I was sick as a dog this week. I told her thank you and that she was a very sweet friend - to which she replied, “thanks, I don’t hear that very often”! WHAT?! Why is that? Why do we not compliment one another and say thank you? I have another acquaintance who is pursuing her music career - I sent her an email telling her how much her music meant to us and how much we appreciated all the labor she put into making it. She was thankful and recently encouraged others to do the same for their favorite artists stating that it goes a long way. I look at my children and am convicted that I don’t do this enough. I had one parent who was over the top on the compliments, to a fault, false praise and afraid to criticize for sake of crushing self-esteem. I don’t want to be that - I think we need to be told where we can improve and encouraged GENTLY that there are some things we may need to leave to others. I hope I can do well with this with my boys. I hope I can encourage them to pursue their loves with every fiber of their beings. I know some folks are motivated by being told “you can’t do that” (I think I would fall in that category - tell me that, and I will bleed trying to prove you wrong), but I think that encouraging people to push through the hard times goes much further, helping them dig down inside and pull out the greatness that is deep within. Maybe this isn’t done because to pursue great things many times means being outside of the stereotypical box that society likes to keep people in. It makes us uncomfortable to go against the grain and take risks - but that is where amazing things happen. I don’t want to stifle my boys, or anyone else for that matter. Please, let’s give praise where praise is due. Encourage. And just be nice dammit - I get tired of all the meanness, there just isn’t enough time in the day for it. You never know where that compliment will lead and what fire it may spark...

twins make you famous!

My oldest son and I were having some good one-on-one time the other day when he told me that he hoped he had twins when he grew up (if I haven’t mentioned, his two younger brothers are identical twins). I, thinking this was a sweet expression of love for his brothers, replied, “yeah, it is pretty cool isn’t it?” To which he responded, “yeah, and twins sorta make you famous!” Well, maybe my assessment was a bit off... and again, I love the innocence of children - his view of “famous” and mine are completely different.

lest one think I am throwing the hubs under the bus...

I hope I have not given that impression in my previous post. He is a wonderful man who works very hard for our family every day. In fact, today I feel like crap and he is out of town. He talked to me on the phone this morning and said “I’ll come home tonight.” It will mean more driving for him in between long hour days, but he heard in my voice the need and I didn’t have to ask. He loves me at my worst. Even when I am as bitchy as all get out, sick beyond comprehension, or just plan blah - he still manages to see beauty and love me in spite of myself. And I love him right back, though he is much better than I am at looking past flaws (which then makes me admire him more). In fact, I thought I should list the many things I have learned from him that I am thankful for:
how to operate large machinery (tractors, skid steers, dozers, etc)
how to drive a very large stick shift truck
the ins and outs of machinery, engines, brakes, etc.
how to weld (though I am not good at it)
much ado about plants
much more ado about animals
how to shoot a bow
how to shoot guns better
how to appreciate country music (though my heart still resides in rock/pop and other genres)
how to appreciate the simple things of life
how to enjoy a more relaxed life
how to be silly (not my strong suit, I am goofy, odd, and peculiar, if anything my humour is in the form of wit and sarcasm, but he can bust a move at the most odd moments and make me laugh)
that I can be confident in who I am and not feel the need to fit someone else’s mold

And here are a few more things he hasn’t necessarily taught me, but just does:
fixes everything - from my car, to plumbing, electrical, anything that brakes - I mean ANYTHING!
gets creative with me - he may sound like a “good ol’ boy” but he is really a rather renaissance man, he is very artsy himself and with all his skills helps me implement my ideas too
helps me do woodwork and has cool tools for me to borrow (and is trying to find a good toolbelt that is small enough for me)
doesn’t talk down to me when we work together (since I’m “just a girl”) - he listens to my ideas and uses them.
cooks - oh man, can he cook! he is a real chef, and has taught me not to be afraid of throwing things together
is an involved Dad - I never had this, I love watching him love and care for our children
is humble - truly humble, not the put on kind. He will admit when he is wrong and is never above doing any task put before him.
is more patient and forgiving than anyone I’ve ever met
has more honesty and integrity than anyone I’ve ever met
doesn’t sugar coat things with me - he isn’t scared of my feistiness
he always has my back
is gentle with me, and knows when I need that, despite my tough exterior - he sees through the walls
compliments me, tells me I look great (more than just verbally), and says thank you
he loves me, truly, truly, loves me ☺

running - a juxtaposition of feelings

I hate running, I hate the idea of running, it makes me mad to think I need to go run. However, once I'm doing it I feel exhilarated and it is great for running off mads or other feelings inexpressible, and I kind of like it though I would never want to admit it. I love the feeling I have afterwards and having sweated so much. I still think I prefer yoga.

Kids and Secular Music

I feel that I should expound a bit (after my last post) about how we do “secular” music with our kids.... To me, good music is good music - and yes, sometimes there are some not so tasteful lyrics mixed in there. I have a hard time depriving myself of good music just because little ears are around. SO, we explain what we can in a way they can understand if it is a situation where the lyrics represent values that our family doesn’t necessarily agree with, and if there are words we just don’t want them to hear, we make up our own lyrics and sing them louder - for instance: Billy Jean is not my brother ☺ And with some things they help us out with their interpretations - lately they have been on an Adele kick (my 6 year old especially is entranced with her voice) and one of the 4 year olds explained that in “Rumour Has It” they thought it was about someone named Uma who had taken something that belonged to someone else (we left it at that for now). I even think back to my own childhood. There are songs that I hear now that I remember listening to, yea singing along with, in the car with my mom growing up. I hear the lyrics now and think, “oh my goodness, what was she thinking letting me listen to THAT!!!” But then, it all went over my head - much like I think it does with my kids now. And by the time they are old enough to catch on to what some of it all means, I will hope they are discerning enough to come to the right conclusions. And besides, good music is what helps keep me sane sometimes, helps pick all of us up out of a funk sometimes, and has given me some of the best memories of dancing with my boys in the living room - so I am not giving it up.